Wayne McGhee: Over 30 years fighting Diabetes

This will be another short blog entry. Basically, I started a fundraiser for my father, Wayne McGhee. My dad has been battling Diabetes (Type 1) for over 30 years. He has been in and out of the hospital frequently over the past few years. He’s undergone surgery for amputations of his toes on both feet. Last year, he fell into a diabetic coma. I didn’t think he was going to come out of it. But through prayer, God delivered him back to us. Now, he’s in a nursing home for rehabilitation. You know I’m not use to seeing my dad like this. He’s normally walking on his own, talking noise, joking around, or being a pain because he’s so stubborn. Now, he’s in a wheelchair, has a walker, or he has problem remembering. The doctor also told me that he has mini strokes. But he’s a fighter, my dad. He was telling me that he wanted to go home. I just started a job; so I’m doing the best I can. Well, my brother and sister are too.
Wayne McGhee needs clothes ( most of them were stolen or lost), a couple of appliances like a refrigerator and a new washer, etc. So this is for him. He’d probably be mad at me for doing this fundraiser. As I said, my old man is pretty stubborn and prideful. So I’m asking on his behalf.

If you can’t donate, please share and keep us especially him uplifted in prayer. We love our dad, and we want to make sure that he has everything he needs in order to make him comfortable.

The fundraiser is on Facebook. If you have further questions, please do not hesitate to contact me through my contact link.

Thanks so much in advance.

Here’s the link: https://www.facebook.com/donate/469983920020924/10154687575981053

Twin Faces: The Stranger I Will Never Know

This blog is a little more personal for me. Mostly, all of my blogs are. But this one is coming from apart of me that seems to be in the interim space of lost but not quite yet found. (If that makes any sense).

Look at the picture above…..that woman. We look just alike, don’t we? We could pass for identical twins, couldn’t we? Same smile, same eyes, and yes, those cheeks. (I hate mine). But all in all, this woman was my maternal grandmother, Rose Edkar. To be honest, I’ve never met her in person. She lived in California. As I was growing up, there were many pictures of her and stories my mom would tell me and my siblings about her. From her attitude to how much she changed when she turned her life over to Christ, I still did not know this woman. She was my grandmother, yet I just never knew her.

My mom would tell us that Grandmo Rose said hey and she loves us. She never met us either; well, not since we were babies. I’ve never know my mom’s maternal side of the family. Other than one of my aunts who came to visit every now and again, her side of the family lived in California. Only family I knew were my dad’s side of the family. (No comment). I’m cool with an aunt, an uncle, and a few cousins; however, I was never really treated like part of the family. I was always the “black sheep” on both the paternal side and maternal. As my brother and sister grew older, they shared the same category as me except for my brother. LOL, women just fall in love with him whenever. Maybe it’s his charm.

Back in 2010, I spent a week in California with my grandfather. I called Grandmo Rose to let her know, so I could finally see her. I remember her being so excited and saying she would finally get to see one of her babies. But my grandfather wouldn’t take me to see her; unfortunately, I did not know how to drive. I called her crying as I told her what the situation was. Boy, I could feel her anger through the phone. She said, “You tell George Williams that you’re my granddaughter too! And I want to see you!” I just burst out laughing so hard while still crying at the same time.  Even though I relayed the message to him, he still didn’t take me.

I was so defeated. I was like after all these years, I would finally see Grandmo Rose. Connect with her, share some stories, ask for her wisdom from her past situations……that day would never come to pass.

The very last time, I spoke to Grandmo again was Christmas. I was cooking the traditional, nontraditional Christmas dinner. Mom said if she cooked Thanksgiving, I would cook Christmas. Grandmo wanted to speak to me, and we talked on the phone momentarily. Then she says, “Tell Gina I’m tired of talking to her. I will talk to her later.” I was stunned. So I told mom what she said, she was like, “Tell her I’m tired of talking to her too.” Grandmo heard what she said, told me bye, and I hung up the phone. My mom and Grandmo’s relationship was very peculiar to me, but that’s how they got along.

In 2014, Grandmo Rose went into the hospital. She had diabetes, high blood pressure real bad. They took a picture of her smiling…me and my sister shared it on Facebook asking of prayers. Of course, a couple of family members got mad and told us to take the picture down. Me and my sister didn’t; you see, they had Grandmo. They were around her, knew how she was, and everything.

All we’ve ever had were pictures and a voice; that’s all. No memories long enough to hold onto. Long story short, October 16, 2014, Grandmo passed away. She had a stroke and end of story.

My life just paused…….I never met this woman. Never seen her in person; I wanted so badly to form a relationship with her. It was not fair to me or my siblings. We just always seem to be the odd ones left out in one way or another.

The funeral was in California; no, we did not go, but my mom did.

Before Grandmo passed, she was in the hospital. My mom had gone to see her. Mom said that Grandmo said, “I guess I will never get to see my babies.” She was holding on just to see us at least one time. I hate that we nor she will never get that chance.

Grandmo Rose, you’ve been on my mind and heart heavily all the time. I don’t know why nor do I understand. But I am sad….

When I look at this picture, and as I look in the mirror, I see you. Same eyes, same smile, and those big cheeks…

I love you, Grandmo. Though we were denied a bond, you’re still a stranger , a voice, and albums full of pictures that I only wish I had just a little time to get to know.

 

R.I.P. Grandmo Rose

 

Quick Pace: Trying To Keep Up

It’s been a while since my last entry. Things have really changed since then. For instance, I will list them (lol, though they may not be in order).

  1. Now, I write travel articles for Trip101.
  2. I was talking to a friend of mine; and, after much talk, I asked to be a Contributing Editor for her Charity Publisher, Rock & Roll Saved My Soul. “Everyday Miracles” is a new anthology from other writers of poetry and short stories; I also contributed a piece.  It should be published by the end of this month. I was so excited about editing and reading all these stories and poems. It was truly an honor.
  3. My first book of poetry will be coming out next month!! A lot of people have been asking and pushing for me to do a book of my own poetry, so it’s right around the corner.
  4. I’m hoping to launch my own editorial and other services provided  business in September!!!
  5. I have bought a few manuals and references to pursue my career as a Copy Editor. I still have a few more books to get, and I will get them very soon.
  6. I am taking some courses for certification or a certificate as a Copy Editor; hopefully, I will start those soon too.
  7. I will become a member of ACES (American Copy Editor Society) and a couple of more organizations to make it official.
  8. I have much more stuff to share, but that will have to be for another time.

The ball really rolled! I’m so happy and thankful because I’m pressing and pushing toward the mark. I want a careeer, not a job! I almost forgot how it was. I almost gave up hope; I was just about to “settle.” But NO! I want what I want. Most people spend their lives settling because they don’t believe and maybe it’s too hard to achieve what they really want. Late on, it leads to regret.

Not me! I’m investing in self. I’m taking steps that are necessary to get me to the next level. It’s a process; and I’m learning that it can’t be rushed. I just have to enjoy the journey while trying to reach the destination.

Sorry about the short entry. My writing career is taking off along with my becoming a business woman. Who knew that both would keep me so busy. I’m not complaining at all. I’m simply happy that the paced quicken a bit. Though I’m struggling a little to keep up, I know one thing is certain: I’m Not Stopping! I’m not turning back. It’s forward and up all the way!

Dream Chasing: Happiness Or The Mundane?

This will not be a long blog entry, but I’m rather fed up with crying.

For those that don’t know, I recently decided that I wanted to be a Copy Editor; however, after all the research in the world, I’m still on ground zero. Frustration set in, and I’ve just been cranky for almost 2 weeks. Then, I decided that I wanted to start my own editing services and other services with a couple of emphasis in other areas of writing. I have been doing a few projects to build my confidence as a writer and a person. But I had a client that wanted me to edit his book; however, distractions happened.

With this new job, it’s taking all of my time and drains the energy out of me more than I thought. So to make a long story super short, I lost my client; he found someone else. He felt bad for not telling me, but I just told him it was a business move. He had a book to get done. So, of course finding someone else to do it was the logical choice.

So I’m sitting at this job thinking: I got a “real” job to help pay my bills or just to get by, and I’m probably going to die with it.

Ironic, when I didn’t have a job, I had all the time in the world. I researched, made calls to connect with someone to point me in the right direction, and I couldn’t get anyone to help me. Now, I have a job. I just don’t have the time. I’m either always tired or distractions occur, and I’m always having to choose to being realistic or the mundane versus what I want to do that’s going to finally make me happy and fulfilled.

Now, I see that this “dream” was just a waste of time. No matter what I’ve done or am doing, I’m not getting anywhere, just like a treadmill. I’ve just been straight dream chasing, hoping to obtain a little something. Hope, high ground, or whatever the case maybe.

I guess my mom was right about a “real job.”  Guess I will be forced to live the “mundane” in stead of a career I could be passionate, happy with.

All the hard work over the years til now, and I still haven’t gotten anywhere. Oh, yea just to say, “I’ve got a real job.”

At least in my dream world, I’m happy with my house, my black or blue Chow Chow puppy, and just simply enjoying it…

Till I wake up and return to the REAL world,- dying a very slow, agonizing death.

Growth: Return of the Past and Embracing Forgiveness

Well, it’s been a while since my last blog. LOL, it surprises me to say this, but I ran out of topics to talk about. And what I wanted to blog about, I didn’t quite have the words synchronized in order for it to flow. But today, right now, I want to share a couple of things dealing with my past and the ability to truly learn and know what forgiveness means and does.

This topic came up because I was pondering about the past. Sometime or another, I’ve always heard or being told to, “Leave the past in the past,” and things of that nature. But what if the past doesn’t always stay where “its” supposed to be? Or where we would like it to stay? Many people pretend that certain events and situations did not happen, others admit it happened and disregard the consequences; and then, you have the rare few who actually looks at “self” in the mirror taking responsibilities for their actions, making amends, and enforcing change beginning from the inside and out.

So concerning the past, when I was 18, in college, and away from home for the first time, several people could tell I lived a sheltered life. I was never in the world or you know participating in it. LOL, I was the”good girl”. Always been ridiculed and ostracized because I was too scared or afraid to disobey. But, there was a guy I was talking to; I met him online. We just talked on the phone all the time. However, the guy was angry, aggressive, controlling, and always threatening me. So after I finally summoned the courage to stop talking to him, he threatened to kill me, my family, and throw me in a river where no one would be able to find me. That scared the living daylight out of me. You read about this stuff happening, or on one of my favorite stations such as Lifetime, you see movies about that. But for someone to actually tell this to me, I was paralyzed by fear. However, he never found me. And I thank God for that.

11 years later, this guy found me on one of my professional profiles. He asked me all sort of questions. He was telling me he had been trying to track me down for 11 YEARS!!!! Again, I felt myself frozen in fear. Thoughts were just all in my head like: “Why would he want to find me?” ” What does he want?” “Has he really been trying to track me down for 11 years?!!” I quickly regressed into that young, 18 year old person again… I was engulfed in a cold atmosphere with terror trickling down my spine. I reminded him about what he did and said; how for a few years, I did’t date or talk to anyone.

He psychologically messed me up, and I didn’t realize until now. After I stopped talking to him, I never thought of him anymore. I just prayed that he would never find me or cause any harm to my family.

Well, he got mad saying he wanted to get to know me again and all that. But I was like I couldn’t do it because he scares the HECK out of me. He told me to stop living in the past, that was 11 years ago, etc. Then, he was judging me and accusing me of holding a grudge. So I told him that if I truly held a grudge, I wouldn’t have responded to his message. Evidently,  I was giving him a chance to hear him out and what he truly wanted. I was a little baffled; he did not show any remorse about his actions or anything. In a way, I did not expect an apology (at least not a sincere one) from him. I could tell he lacked compassion. I told him that I forgave him and that I was in a different stage in my life.

In the interim, I was thinking to myself as I do all the time. Even as an adult, you can quickly regress to that moment. For instance, if you were scared of something or you experienced something traumatic, there’s a trigger. It could be something small; something you really don’t even notice nor think about. And that’s how this one was for me. Out of all the people to come back from the past, I NEVER SAW THIS ONE COMING!!!! But I reflected about who and how I was then and who I am now, some characteristics are still the same; but, my mentality isn’t. I have matured, LOL, somewhat. I use to run from those that hurt me. I never voiced it, I just wrote it down; POETRY released it. Now, I’m at the point where I can’t just hold all that stuff in anymore. I have to let it out. Although, I’m still struggling physically, verbally to communicate this, it doesn’t take me as long to voice it.

Now for the last one, a girl from college contacted me about wanting to make amends. We were once friends. She betrayed me; and, I actually heard her tell someone else nasty and untrue things about me. That really cut me. But, I forgave her and moved on. She tried to reconnect with me a few years back, but I told her I could speak to her; I just couldn’t trust her enough to actually engage in a genuine conversation with her. I will never forget the look on her face when I told her that….She seemed shocked and caught off guard.

I was still hurt by what she had done, and the only way I could protect myself and heal was to shield myself. I’m a very sensitive person; I’m an empath. So you can imagine feeling what other’s feel which multiplies my own emotions. It’s difficult and draining. LOL, it’s like feeling what others refuse to express or choose to feel.  It forces itself on me at times.

Today, she reached out to me again. And I chose to give her another chance. She apologized and realized what she did was wrong. And you want to know the funny thing about it? I didn’t hesitate or had to think about it. I just chose to forgive her; she wanted to renew the friendship. Normally, I don’t get that a lot. People wanting to apologize, make amends. Most don’t apologize or even realized the damage and chaos of their actions. But we as human beings have to realize: you can say sorry all day and may get another chance. If you don’t take the time to just self-evaluate, how can you be truly sorry? Do you really want to make it right or you just want another chance because that’s what YOU want?

I’ve been sick with migraines for the past couple of days, but I had an epiphany. The past is not always got to stay in the past, forgotten, or buried. The past experiences are growing pains. They place us in situations to learn, shape, redefine ourselves. On the other hand, we sometimes place ourselves in predicaments. Can you really say you’ve changed or expect to be different if you don’t go through it? Even if one has slept with multiple people, how can you want a change in your life or want something different if you’re running from your past? LOL, the past doesn’t work that way. You have to face it -tested, tried, and true (if you’ve really embraced it). Then, forgiveness is a gift. Not just for others, but for the individual as well. There’s a gospel song that I listen to: “You gone have to hurt before you heal.” It’s true. You can’t ignore the pain, the past, or any of it to escape it. You HAVE to go through……it’s a process.

First, the past confronts you. Then, forgiveness tests you…..now the outcome…well, that’s on you. Yes, I’m trying to be better as an individual inside and out. Now, I can say that I’m not that 18 year old girl or the really hurt individual. I was that in that moment in time, but I have grown from those experiences. They taught me something….

The first one taught me that traumatic experiences can lasts well into adulthood, but I had to realize that was then, and this is now. I’m a woman – sooner or later, I’m going to have to embrace ALL Of ME.

The second taught me the healing of forgiveness. Someone once told me, “Forgiveness is for you.” Yes, there are people who hold grudges. There are people who may never be sorry for what they’ve done or said, but you, the individual have to learn how to forgive for your soul’s sake, for YOU.

Now, I can say….I’ve been renewed and I thank God for allowing me to be tested and see the progress that I couldn’t see at first. I can SEE it now….

INSPIRATION: Beyond Limitations

When I was younger, I used to get inspired from anything, anywhere, at any given time. I could not control it or expect it, it just happened.  Similar to Star Wars, it was like a force infused with a “supernatural” high. A sudden burst of energy – adrenaline coursing through the brain connecting to the flow. In the end, it produces a product that was always satisfactory to myself and others.

Now, that I’m older, it has become that much more difficult to find inspiration. In the beginning, I was searching, thirsting for it. I felt like a well – drying up fast. I become desperate until one day the writer’s block was so hefty in size that the flow in my creativity ceased for about 2 to 3 years.

I lost myself, my voice. Like Maya Angelou, for a time, I remained silent in my writing except academically. Then, it seemed like everyone was asking me about my writing. “Have you written anything new?” “You need to keep writing.” Etc. Etc. It made me feel incompetent, empty.

Then, one of my inspirational, favorite people, whom I can’t reveal at this time, told me, “Inspiration is around you. It can be found everywhere, anywhere.” Once he reminded me of that, the creative juices started flowing exponentially. I was back!!! However, I could tell that my writing went through a metamorphosis. It transformed; as a result, I grew. I was just so thankful to him that I shared what I had written with him. And he provided a in-depth analysis. I was enthralled! He enjoyed it. The writer’s block just magically went away.

In addition, the topic of inspirational poetry. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love all the categories of poetry. But most people don’t write just inspirational poetry. People go through many stages and phases of life. So to expect it to remain the same is very obtuse thinking.

But an individual wanted me to read of my poems, but she wanted it to only be inspirational poetry about life. I told her that I write about life. What I’m experiencing in that moment, what I’m witnessing or feeling, it’s life. A stage or a phase I’m going through.

I’m saying that to say this. No one wants to read about “happy-go-lucky”, “lovey-dovey” stuff all the time. Because no one will be able to relate to it…People thrive on pain and chaos. Why? Because happiness, depression, sadness, loneliness…all of these are apart of life.

For one person or persons to be able to express this through any art form is commendable. There are so many people who cannot or will not express what is going on with them. They will rather take it to their graves. It takes courage to write, to sing, to paint, etc. to be able to COMMUNICATE.

All of this is inspiration within itself! Like my anonymous person said, “Inspiration can be found anywhere. It’s all around us.” To limit it just to what one thinks it should be….creativity slowly dies; and. the flow stalls like a car refuses to start or go.

Expand the mind, and let INSPIRATION flow! Break off the valve and sees what happens! It’s limitless with possibilities and opportunities!!!

Investing In Self

This will probably be the shortest blog I write or type.

For a long while, I have been searching and yearning for someone to take me under their wing as a mentee. Unfortunately, I have not been able to find or come across one. Then, the people who would have have passed on.

So for the past couple of days, I have been thinking that maybe I need to take the time to invest in myself. No one seems to want to take the time to help, so I just need to help myself. People want to tell you what to do or how to do it, but no one wants to SHOW anybody how to do anything anymore. It’s like “I got mine, go get yours.” It really shouldn’t be that way.

I’m also learning that people make time for what they want to make time for; so, I can’t just sit around, hoping for someone to make or take time. Then I realized, I’m not going to get anywhere waiting on someone’s time schedule.

One of my classmates was telling me that he admired what I said about investing in myself. He was like, “Cut the bs and go ahead and write that book. You are starting and onto something. You just don’t see the way others do.” LOL, he maybe onto something.

This coming week, I’m working on me. Hopefully, a sponsor or someone will take the time to point me in the right direction. But I have to make a decision and take that step forward.

Yes, I’m nervous as crap and a little scared. Sitting around and waiting on others is not getting me anywhere…

In this case, the CHANGE begins with me.

Moral Conflict: The Concept of “WORK”

For the past couple of weeks, this concept of “work” has become quite the topic. Everybody wants something whether it’s a job, a house, a relationship, lost weight, etc. But in this era, no one wants to put in the work. Everything is instant – easy to access that it doesn’t require anyone to do much of anything.

My whole life I learned the value of hard work and perseverance; NO, I’m not where I want to be, but I keep on pushing and praying. No, I’m not strong in my faith like I should. But I thank God for the power of prayer and that genuine people keep me uplifted in prayer.

But I digress…back to the concept of work. I will use an example. Like me, I want to lose weight; however, I can’t seem to motivate myself to do it or find the time. So if I don’t take the time do it, then I won’t lose the weight.

Another example, everybody wants a relationship. You do just enough to get that person. After you get that person, you get complacent and comfortable and soon stop putting in the work to keep them. Anybody can get anybody, but the hard thing is to KEEP them. A relationship is just a level below marriage. For years, I’ve heard people say marriage is hard work. What do you think a relationship, friendship, and everything else is?! Nothing in life is free or easy. If it is, SOMETHING IS WRONG!!! You got to give in order to get!! Then you have people to pray for God to give or to send them someone or something. But when you get it, you misuse and abuse it. You run from it…You don’t want to do the work.

I don’t think people actually grasp this concept anymore!! So for the last example is my favorite: school. People would rather pay others to do their work rather than put in the work themselves! Why go to school if you don’t want to take the time to do the work?!!! Why waste time?

If you won’t invest in yourself, why would anyone else want to? That’s just like going to work: if you don’t work or go to work, you won’t get paid. 0 + 0 = 0!!!! No time, no effect = 0 as the result.

So I recently signed up as a freelance writer, but I quickly learned that it was something I could not do it. I don’t want to do someone’s  schoolwork for them. I did my own work, and I definitely did not have money to pay others to do it. But now, I have the confidence in some of my abilities because I know how to do/write a paper, do the research, etc.

I do not like to enable people – and that’s what I did. It’s not helping people by doing the work for them. They will never learn it for themselves.  Then on top of that, that’s still plagiarism. If you get a job that requires you to demonstrate these skills in person, what are you going to do?

But I resigned from doing that….it conflicted with my morale. I know how to do what I do because I invested in myself along with mentors, friends, instructors, and others too. Yes, I don’t mind doing freelance for stuff like a blog, content writer, and all along those lines. But I will not do anyone’s schoolwork for them anymore!!!!

So I need to keep my word to myself – the only way for people to learn how to do something, you got to put in the work!!! If you don’t work, don’t expect results!!!!

I don’t mind showing or sharing with someone how to do things but doing it for them…that’s over.

Not only am I cheating them but myself as well.

Seeking and Finding the Way – My Way

This is my first blog; of course, I was supposed to do it yesterday, but lol, my body and mind can’t keep up like it used to.

But I digress…..

For the past few weeks, I have been getting signs about concentrating on my writing by perfecting and researching my craft. A friend of mine was sharing with me how writing is more than a hobby. And I agree with her. My writing has always been more than just a hobby to me. I’ve very passionate about it.

I’ve been writing poetry for 15 + years now, but I was never really confident about it. Back then it was more of a therapeutic release; I had a problem expressing myself, and nobody listened to me. I was the quiet, wall flower – the good girl. Pretty soon, that was my label.  Poetry means more to me than many will ever grasp. It saved my life -it also led me to discovering a similar passion and respect for English. Yea, I said it….KML, I did not like English when I was younger. I loved to read, but I hated English. LOL, now….I have to discipline myself to read and I love English.

I have 3 degrees: 2 Associates and a BA. Since I had the 2 Associates, I focused on getting a real job, making money, and kinda help me climb up the ladder. But after a few years, I still have been unable to get a (what my mom would call) “real” job. I became depressed, stressed…..and one day, when I tried to write…for the first time, I lost my voice, my perspective, etc.

This past year has been a journey for me – A journey of self- discovery.  I gave so much of myself to people in general, sacrificed, and I never thought about it until now. I used to get frustrated because I do not like to sit still. I’m used to being busy, on the go, etc. But I’m grateful that God made me sit still and actually think what I want for myself. Not what everybody else want, but what I want for myself.

I still don’t have a job….yet. But I have been focusing more on my writing and what I want to pursue as a career. I want to become a CopyEditor. Still researching what to do to become one and how in the world I’m going to get experience. It’s a process -Process is progress.

I had to learn that failure is the process for success – that’s one of my fears being a failure. No, things did not or have not worked out the way I was hoping. However, I am praying that God just continue to lead and guide me down this path.

Although, I still want a job, I’m still going to work toward become a CopyEditor. I want to be happy and passionate in my field – my career. I refuse to do “Another day, another dollar.”

I do feel like I’m always trying to play catch up with people who are either already married, children, homes, careers, etc and all that. But now, I’m back to the original “Slow and steady wins the race.” “The race is not given to the swift but to the one who can endure.” (Yea, that’s a verse from the Bible, and I paraphrased it; but ,don’t ask me what Chapter, Verse, or Book ). KML.

Additionally, I am interested in Taoism – the way. I believe in following your own path; everyone’s path is not yours vice versa for somebody wanting your path. You have to find your OWN WAY – that’s what I’m doing seeking, finding my way. And I must say I’m more at peace now than I have been in years.

I don’t know where it’s going to lead or what the destination maybe, but I’m walking.

Non-Official First blog post

Just wanted to say…this is my non-official blog. This is the day that I opened my eyes and mind  – it started me on this path. March 29, 2017…Jasz awakened.

I’m also blogging because me and my cousin made a deal: whoever started a blog first, then other had to do one too. We’re doing this to be supportive of each other.