I was supposed to start this entry yesterday, but I just felt the need to pace myself. So, let’s begin.
Well, yesterday, I was really going through. For over a week now, I haven’t been able to either get much sleep or any for that matter. As a result, I have been physically drained, mentally drowning, and emotionally all over the place. Although the Sandman refused to grant me sweet rest, I took the time to check on my friends and family.
I made a couple of new friends; I felt the need to just be an active listener. See, people listen, but are they truly listening? Hence, why I placed emphasis on “active”. We must learn to actively listen to one another without interrupting or selfishly interpreting. While aiming to be there for my friends and family, I recently had to learn how to just actively listen to the distress and yearning for understanding and compassion from the people I sacredly love and deeply care for. I did what I could, and I pray what I imparted helped them.
However, I learned a few hard lessons; but, the one to cut me down to my core was people will make time for who they want to make time for. If you’re not a priority, don’t expect to be. I always make time for people: strangers, friends, family, etc. In the end, I learned that the people I wanted to care or be there for me were M.I.A.
Let’s recount. With very little rest, I discovered a lot of people I considered “friends” were not that at all. Part of me was past tired of reliving this monotone, repetitive cycle, yet the other half was glad to know that it was revealed. On my FB profile, I started doing FB live videos. Between last week to this very moment, that’s when everything was revealed. I won’t go into specifics because it’s irrelevant.
Frustration and old wounds slowly opened. I had numerous thoughts on my head, my heart was heavy, and my spirit was restless. I was angry at them, but I was mostly angry and disappointed with myself. What was I doing to keep going through this past dead routine? When did being a good person with a contrite heart – so giving and understanding become a crime? The wicked is triumphing and the good is just…I cried so much that my eyes had swollen. So guess what? I still couldn’t go to sleep.
Then, I realized something else. Some people just don’t know how to be friends.
Another hard pill to swallow.
Change kept ringing throughout my mind and spirit. Change is occurring. Again, the people I was hoping to be there for me were not. They were killing themselves to be there for everybody else except me. Contrarily, I did have a few people that stepped up to the plate to be there for me when I needed someone. I really had to grasp the transformation that was happening. The people I’ve been chasing were fading to back. I had to learn to let them go and not keep chasing after them. For me, I get attached to things like stuff animals, a piece of jewelry, a quilt like an heirloom, and people. It’s difficult for me to let go – my Achilles heel.
God was separating me from a few people in my life and forcing me to work on myself. Of course, I had to call my motivational coach and seek her guidance. We talked for a long time. And she said, “Jasmine, you can’t make people change. If people aren’t ready to be committed (not just in relationships), then they’re just not ready. But, Jasmine, you just don’t change your heart. Don’t stop giving, don’t stop loving.” Her words did something to me. They relieved me. You can’t save everyone; they may not want to be saved.
After our conversation ended, the thought train took me on a leisure ride. I introspected, reflected, and made a decision. I decided to take a sabbatical from doing FB lives for a while. On the other hand, the sabbatical goes deeper than that. I admit I’m going through a metamorphosis – the healing process. I have to work on me and heal. I have to release all the hurt, anger, resentment, and self-hatred inside of me. Before now, I wasn’t aware that all of this had grown. It was little at first; over time, it took root and grew.
This sabbatical is vital in order for me to truly release, heal, and be set free. I can’t get to the next stage in my life with all this stuff inside of me. Does that make me a bad person? No, I’m human. The difference between me and people at least I now know what it is, and I’m choosing to work on it.
Also, I’ve realized that everyone wants to change whether it’s a job, house, relationship, situation, or whatever. Are you really putting in the work? Yes, some changes just happen spontaneously. But I’m talking about changing your life. I can’t wait for anyone to find or place my happiness in. I have to learn how to be happy by myself and within myself. I can’t keep praying for “change,” and when it gets here, I’m running or fighting against it. No. I have to go through it. Yes, it’s a process that I have to endure. Am I scared? Well, not so much now. But, I won’t continue to let that fear hold me back any longer. I want to get better. I want to be better not for anyone other than myself.
I’ve decided that while I’m on my sabbatical I will be journaling on my blog. I need to get back into my writing. I got so backed up I could no longer listen to the voice, my voice. I can’t keep focusing on others, for the time being. I HAVE to deal with me. I could only run away from me for so long. Now, it’s not an option.
One of my favorite quotes is from Rocky III:
“There is no tomorrow.” – Apollo Creed, character. When I first heard this quote, I had no idea what Apollo meant when he told Rocky this. Now, I see. People keep putting things off and putting things off and putting things off. One day, we just decide to leave it where it’s at. Problems don’t just go away. Sometimes, you have to do the work even when we’re trying to use others to escape it. What happens when that person decides he or she no longer wants to be there?
You have to deal with it now. TODAY! Don’t keep waiting or running. You’re only running away from your true self – the light. The light and the truth will set you free. Hopefully, for me, I pray I embrace and experience that kind of peace.
This is the commencement of my sabbatical. Once I go through this and endure it, get ready for a great comeback! Don’t go to sleep on me; stay woke! I’m going to make power moves! I’m going to keep climbing! I will get to the next stage!
Next blog is Day 1 of the sabbatical…