Screaming on the Inside: The Meltdown Continues

Well…

This entry may be a little lengthy. However, despite the length, whatever is on the inside, it is fighting to the surface.

In my last blog entry, I mentioned that I, along with the help of many others, was able to get the $400 nonrefundable deposit fee submitted and secured. Now, there are two things left: finding a place to stay and finding a job. Before the completion of the application, I was worried about finding a place to live and a job. Of course, many have been reassuring me that I will definitely find a job and a place. Just like then and now, I’m still not at ease.

My nervousness has been escalating from afraid to scared to being terrified. On the outside, I’m doing everything I can to maintain my composure. But on the inside, I’m spiraling askew. Last night, I had trouble sleeping. Earlier yesterday, I was exhausted. However, when it was time to go to bed, it was like my mind was fully awakened by everything gnawing away at me. Physically, I felt the effect; I sat up on the side of the bed with my head in arms, literally, attempting to shake it out. I ended up taking medication to help me sleep; and, it worked. Truthfully, deep down in the back of my mind, I know the two factors are just the components of the whole ordeal. What do I mean? I’m glad you asked.

It’s not just moving to Boston, going to school, finding a place to stay, or even finding a job. The “wow” factor is this is the BIG Change I’ve been searching for over the years. Although it feels like a “too good to be true” moment, it’s happening nonetheless. Everything has been placed in motion. I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to. Then again, do I really want to? All these years, I have always given everyone all of me. No matter who they were: family, friends, significant others, strangers, etc. I’ve always given and expected nothing in return because I felt it was the right thing to do. Now, I’m learning that I’ve poured myself into others that I can’t pour into me. I can’t save or help anyone in the condition I’m in now. I’m healing, but it’s a process that can’t be rushed. In the interim, I still have to wait and let this process run its course.

Life is in a constant state of flux. Constant changes are definite, but it’s this BIG Change that I’m referring to that has me all over the place now. This change symbolizes a new beginning, not just a chapter. Because it is placing me on the path to finding self, goals, and a career. I’ve been running and putting it at the end of the line because I was doing what everyone else wanted or expected of me. I would motivate myself with everyone’s repetitious drivel as to why I had to do it. “Because I’m supposed to; it’s my duty and responsibility; I’m the only one that can and will…” That’s how it was for a long time. In the present, I don’t have a choice anymore; now, I’m forced to take care of Jasmine. Many may think it’s selfish. It’s called self-preservation.

I’m not God or Jesus. I can’t save everyone; sometimes we, as human beings, delude ourselves into thinking we can save or change people. The hard fact to swallow is we can’t. We try to help those who won’t even help themselves. We drown by attempting to help them when we’re enabling them. People have to help themselves first. Then, after putting some work behind the action, I can do what I can. This lesson was, and is, still a difficult pill to swallow. I keep giving, selflessly. Right now, I don’t have anything to give; I poured so much of myself out. Do I regret it? No. It’s just a lesson I had to really grasp.

At the age of 30, I’m terrified. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I don’t have any control over it. I HAVE to walk this path no matter what. I want to pursue my passion, a career, not a job. A friend of mine reminded me, “A lot of people tell you to go to school and get a job, so I chose a career. Because at ‘Career Day’, you’re looking for a career.” When he said that, it resonated with me. It made so much sense.

I may not have wealth, accolades, pleasant, physical features, a mansion, or five different vehicles. Who cares? For the first time in my life, I going to pursue a relationship with myself – a committed relationship to love within intimately that it radiates! Self-fulfillment is really one of my goals! I can’t spend another 30 years waiting for others to do it; I have to start right now. No more waiting.

Yes, I’m suffering a meltdown –  the meltdown is necessary. I have to be broken down in order to start anew, to be the woman God has been calling me to be all this time. I won’t lie; I didn’t want to be that woman. I just wanted to be me. Actually, I don’t even know who I am that’s why I’m on this path to find out.

Yes, I’m screaming on the inside. We all are. I’m going to turn those screams into cheers instead. Chapter 30 was an introspection of the choices I’ve made and a question of redemption. Am I worth saving? I’m trying to save everyone, anyone else. But who’s going to save me?

Chapter 30, I don’t care about being revolutionary. I care about the Evolutionary; I have to get to the next stage. I have to keep learning and growing. I have an insatiable hunger! Evolution is a necessity! I won’t be satisfied until I have it!

My journey is just beginning. I will have to walk it, embrace it in order to see.

I will be sharing my poetic piece in the next blog, “Interim”. Hope you guys like it.

UPDATE: Emerson, Here I Come!

Hello, everyone! This will be a very short blog entry for today. I just wanted to give an update on the Emerson situation. On my previous blog, I was asking for donations to submit a $400 nonrefundable deposit fee to Emerson College to secure my spot. The ram in the bush I was praying and looking for arrived on June 7. That person was my little sister. She saw that a friend of mine had created a fundraiser for me on the gofundme platform. My sister decided to give me the entire amount; she expressed how she wanted me to finally be happy by pursuing my goals and obtaining a career in my field. I must say I did not see that coming. After all the stressing, anxiety, and worrying, God was right on time. So, we are in there! Thank you, Lord.

Now, that the deposit is secured. I have to make preparations to find a place to live and a job. A friend of mine connected to a non-profit organization who is going to help raise the money for most of that. Thank you, God…again. When people say, “it comes in 3s,” I guess they were not lying,

Also, I want to thank everyone who contributed whether you donated, invested time, prayers, positive vibes, etc. I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart. The seeds you have planted are about to come to fruition. Just watch. Still, I want to thank you all for continuing to witness my journey. This is another chapter in my life that’s about to begin.

I won’t lie; yes, I’m scared. Terrified, actually. But, the only way now is up. I can’t continue to stay at the bottom. I rather go for it and know that I tried rather the alternative.

More updates to come. You guys, be blessed.

Asking For HELP: Donations

I know I’m super late sharing this. Good news! A couple of weeks ago, I was accepted into Emerson College’s Publishing and Writing grad program! However, I was told that I had to make a $400 nonrefundable deposit to secure my spot. Of course, I have been struggling to get the money together due to unforeseen circumstances such as an idiot backing into my car at work in the parking lot which caused extensive damage, internally and externally.  A few, good people have donated or even started a fundraiser for me, and I thank God for these individuals: their commitment and their belief/investment in my goals.

To me, this is my last chance to pursue my career as a Copy Editor in the Publishing industry. I know that Emerson is going to help on this journey of growth, change, and self-discovery. If you can and will, you’re more than welcome to donate, even if it’s $1, through Paypal to my e-mail address (mcjasz2205@gmail.com). Also, you can donate to the gofundme platform that my sister, Veronica created for me. So far, we have $175. I am not far from my goal. The deadline is June 8.

If you can’t donate, I ask that you continue to keep us uplifted in prayer, send positive vibes, and share!

The Gofundme link is below. If you have any further questions, please contact me through my blog’s contact form.

https://www.gofundme.com/jasz-is-going-to-school

As Ms. Jette Jenyk would say,

“#McGheegoals #emersoncolllege2018 #thisismytime #thisismyseason #raminthebush!”

Thanks, everyone! Prayers and fingers crossed!

fingerspraying

2018 on the Rise: New Goals, Making Dreams a Reality

2017 has been full of challenges and growth. I remember when I started this blog. It started out as encouragement and support for a family member. And it grew from there. Also, my blog became another outlet for me to stay productive in my writing. Although I fell off for a while, I am still able to pick up and continue one blog at a time.

Even though I’m still working on becoming a Copy Editor, I’ve decided to go back to school to get my Master’s Degree. It’s a one-year program. Of course, the program will not open up til August 2018, the fall. So I’m working toward getting everything together to attend. Then, I’ve been doing a lot of research about creating my own literary journal to help the creative community. I’m looking into Graphic Design, so I can learn how to do it myself. If I had the funds to pay someone else to do it, I would; however, I don’t. Plus, it will help me get back into my creative flow.

Concerning my book, I have a few author vendor events coming up, and the first one takes place in February. I have a couple of book signings scheduled. I’m very excited yet nervous at the same time. Now, that I just got hired for my new job, I will be able to promote/market my book like I want.

So many promising avenues are opening up and providing countless possibilities. I will say that becoming a published author was not in my plans. But I just thank God after 20-something years of people asking, encouraging, and poking me, it came to fruition. With my book, I was able to connect with so many authors, writers, and poets too.

I am so proud and proud of myself! 2017, thank you for the preview of what’s to come. 2018, let’s make it happen! Let’s not wait! Chapter 30 is blank and ready to be occupied with memories, adventures, and experiences. Time to make my dreams a reality!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!!!! Welcome, 2018! I pray it’s wonderful!

December 22, 2017 – Celebrating my 30th Birthday: Successes, Lessons, and Experiences

This will be a very short blog entry.

Technically, I promised myself to stay off social media and electronics, but what can I say? I owe a few previous entries anyway. So what the heck?

So, today is my birthday! I’m so humbled yet excited. I must say my birthday came quicker this year. It crept up on me. Last night, a bit before midnight, I was thinking to myself, “Lord, I’m really going to 30. I can’t believe it. Already?” I couldn’t help but smile though.

Let me explain further…

For a while, I know I was dreading the dreaded “30.” From society’s and family’s perspective, I don’t have anything as to what is usually expected of me. I’m not married, no children, no home to call my own, no relationship, and I’m still living at home with a parent out of necessity rather than wanting.  Putting it that way, I’m like super behind. You have people younger than me that are married, with children, their own homes, and have a career, not a job. I put a lot of pressure on myself. But hey, I was just following the script. What script? The script we’re drilled to memorize and executing from childhood to adulthood. I guess I didn’t make the cut.

Then, I began to feel like I had to play “catch-up.” I’m thinking: ” Man, I’m so far behind. I don’t have this. Or I don’t have that. I’m trying, but I just can’t seem to get ahead. What am I doing wrong? Why am I not good enough? Am I cursed?” Yes, I was just beating myself. Until a few nights ago, a good friend and I were having a conversation; and, she brought something to my attention.

She said, “Jasz, man’s timing and God’s timing are very different things. So don’t subject yourself to man’s time frame. Just because you don’t have now doesn’t mean you won’t ever get it. You’re 30 could be your new 20. Look at Gabrielle Union and Taraji P. Henson, they didn’t blow up until after their 30s. And JK Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter series, is older than you; yet, she still blew up when she wrote those books. Yes, as women, we are pressured by society and family. But who really knows when except the Lord? It has to line up with God’s will and timing. Not yours or anyone else’s. I’m just saying.”

She had me thinking. Besides, I’m still trying to find out who am and what I want to do for the remainder of my existence. I have to live my life and find out who the “real” me is. I thank her for sharing that with me. And all the pressure just suddenly lifted. I decided to just take it one day at a time. It’s all a process. Not only do I have to go through it, I have to stay in the process as well. Basically, I threw away society’s script and family’s script; I’m making my own up as I go.

With my birthday, I am reflecting on so much. My book: successes and learning experiences. From self-employment to unstable, temporary jobs, I can definitely say that I can finally see my growth, not just as a poet and writer but as a person too. I can’t do anything but thank God for everything that has and is preparing me for the next level in my life.

I can’t keep running. So, I’m going to take it head-on.

But that’s tomorrow’s issue; today, I’m celebrating me and the small victories!

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

(Next entries will catch up everything. I know I’m behind, but life continues to roll on).

*LOL, I just saw that’s it’s not a short blog after all. Wait til you see the others after this one.*

Celebrate me

 

 

 

 

 

Opening Act: First Appearance as a Published Author

So, there’s so much to divulge! But I will have to do another entry later in the week. I was invited by Ms. Gigi Gates to participate as a vendor at her 2nd Year Anniversary of Moving Forward Seminar. This was quite a challenge for me. I’m a published author now, yet I’m still shy and meek. However, this was an opportunity to meet potential customers, market/promote my book, and gain other opportunities such as speaking engagements to share with others.

My mother and sister went with me, and I’m so glad that they did. I was a nervous wreck. My mind was all over the place because I had so much to do: setup the table, where to place stuff, where to sit, etc. But my mother and sister took the initiative and helped ground me.

The event itself was outstanding! So much knowledge, so many women that came to support Ms. Gigi and her vision.

Also, I was able to engage with these women and provide a synopsis of my book. I sold a total of 6 books! I celebrate the small victories, and I was asked to come to a future speaking engagement. I was excited but still shy at the same time. Overall, November 11th was a very special day for me. The venue, where the seminar was held, was actually a bookstore. I spoke with the owner, Tamarah Mack. She agreed to sell my books at her establishment. I was overjoyed. I gave her five copies and signed a consignment form.

God is really opening doors for me! A few weeks ago, I wanted to give up on the local promotion because it wasn’t getting anywhere. Now, look!

That’s all for today. The next entry will be a backdrop to catch you up on what’s been going on since the publication of my book.

All I can say is God can. He will. He’s able!

Quick Pace: Trying To Keep Up

It’s been a while since my last entry. Things have really changed since then. For instance, I will list them (lol, though they may not be in order).

  1. Now, I write travel articles for Trip101.
  2. I was talking to a friend of mine; and, after much talk, I asked to be a Contributing Editor for her Charity Publisher, Rock & Roll Saved My Soul. “Everyday Miracles” is a new anthology from other writers of poetry and short stories; I also contributed a piece.  It should be published by the end of this month. I was so excited about editing and reading all these stories and poems. It was truly an honor.
  3. My first book of poetry will be coming out next month!! A lot of people have been asking and pushing for me to do a book of my own poetry, so it’s right around the corner.
  4. I’m hoping to launch my own editorial and other services provided  business in September!!!
  5. I have bought a few manuals and references to pursue my career as a Copy Editor. I still have a few more books to get, and I will get them very soon.
  6. I am taking some courses for certification or a certificate as a Copy Editor; hopefully, I will start those soon too.
  7. I will become a member of ACES (American Copy Editor Society) and a couple of more organizations to make it official.
  8. I have much more stuff to share, but that will have to be for another time.

The ball really rolled! I’m so happy and thankful because I’m pressing and pushing toward the mark. I want a careeer, not a job! I almost forgot how it was. I almost gave up hope; I was just about to “settle.” But NO! I want what I want. Most people spend their lives settling because they don’t believe and maybe it’s too hard to achieve what they really want. Late on, it leads to regret.

Not me! I’m investing in self. I’m taking steps that are necessary to get me to the next level. It’s a process; and I’m learning that it can’t be rushed. I just have to enjoy the journey while trying to reach the destination.

Sorry about the short entry. My writing career is taking off along with my becoming a business woman. Who knew that both would keep me so busy. I’m not complaining at all. I’m simply happy that the paced quicken a bit. Though I’m struggling a little to keep up, I know one thing is certain: I’m Not Stopping! I’m not turning back. It’s forward and up all the way!

Dream Chasing: Happiness Or The Mundane?

This will not be a long blog entry, but I’m rather fed up with crying.

For those that don’t know, I recently decided that I wanted to be a Copy Editor; however, after all the research in the world, I’m still on ground zero. Frustration set in, and I’ve just been cranky for almost 2 weeks. Then, I decided that I wanted to start my own editing services and other services with a couple of emphasis in other areas of writing. I have been doing a few projects to build my confidence as a writer and a person. But I had a client that wanted me to edit his book; however, distractions happened.

With this new job, it’s taking all of my time and drains the energy out of me more than I thought. So to make a long story super short, I lost my client; he found someone else. He felt bad for not telling me, but I just told him it was a business move. He had a book to get done. So, of course finding someone else to do it was the logical choice.

So I’m sitting at this job thinking: I got a “real” job to help pay my bills or just to get by, and I’m probably going to die with it.

Ironic, when I didn’t have a job, I had all the time in the world. I researched, made calls to connect with someone to point me in the right direction, and I couldn’t get anyone to help me. Now, I have a job. I just don’t have the time. I’m either always tired or distractions occur, and I’m always having to choose to being realistic or the mundane versus what I want to do that’s going to finally make me happy and fulfilled.

Now, I see that this “dream” was just a waste of time. No matter what I’ve done or am doing, I’m not getting anywhere, just like a treadmill. I’ve just been straight dream chasing, hoping to obtain a little something. Hope, high ground, or whatever the case maybe.

I guess my mom was right about a “real job.”  Guess I will be forced to live the “mundane” in stead of a career I could be passionate, happy with.

All the hard work over the years til now, and I still haven’t gotten anywhere. Oh, yea just to say, “I’ve got a real job.”

At least in my dream world, I’m happy with my house, my black or blue Chow Chow puppy, and just simply enjoying it…

Till I wake up and return to the REAL world,- dying a very slow, agonizing death.