Day 7: Sabbatical Completed; Freed by Truth

I am proud of myself for staying committed throughout this sabbatical.

I attended church today; and, I must say that my soul was more than filled. The message came from Romans 5: 1-12; the sermon, “He looked beyond my faults.” Normally, when going to church, I take notes and record the sermon.

There were a few points that made me think:

  1. Trials teach you patience – patience acquires experience – experience gains hope. These steps are sequential; you can’t skip. Hope is highly positive expectations. God is not negative!
  2. Before and during your trials, learn to praise God. You can’t be a witness if you haven’t truly learned who God is in the storm.
  3. Good things take time. While in your process, let God marinate your situations. Don’t rush them! You won’t receive what God has in store for you. Impatience cause you to just take whatever is convenient.
  4. Learn the difference between concerning and worrying. It’s ok to be concerned. But when your concern becomes worrying, you need to place it in God’s hands.
  5. If you have to ask “why,” then you don’t have faith in God. If you don’t have faith, then you don’t trust him. If you don’t trust him, you don’t believe in him. If you don’t believe in him, it causes you to doubt him.

Well, let’s recap.

Day 1 was basically testing the waters. It did feel good to visit my “academic” mother. She believes in me which causes her to push me to my greater.

Day 2 was heavy hitter #1; I’m learning how to commit and work on me. I’ve always tried to prove myself to others by subjecting myself to be whatever people wanted. I’m learning that self-sacrifice doesn’t help anyone especially me.

Day 3 helped me reconnect to the flow of creativity again. Also, water was a healing element that proved to be more meaningful than I ever realized.

Day 4 was heavy hitter #2; I had to really dig within myself, scratch beneath the surface. I had to unearth the two main traumas that took root. I had to stop doing guesswork and actually acknowledge what I have been truly running from for years.

Day 5 – Bonding is a beautiful form of commitment and trust. Though I bonded with my sister, with anyone else, I know it is a matter of time.

Day 6 reminded me of God’s promise and how I just have to keep trusting in him while still working on me.

Day 7; the day of completion. Everything has come to fruition and seeds have been planted. I’ve seen the truth – I have been set freed.

I love how everything that has been revealed by the good Lord seems to tie in together.

The sabbatical maybe over, but I still have to continue to initiate and commit to changing myself daily.

I’m going to get to the next stage.

Moving forward and up…all the way.

Thank you, Lord for enlightening me!

Day 6: Nature’s Child, Kidnapped, and Coming Full Circle

With the sabbatical coming full circle, today was more revealing and unveiling than any other day.

Earlier, I had decided that I wanted to go swimming in the Reservoir and do a little writing. Due to a major event taking place at the Reservoir, I was not able to swim. So, I took advantage of being in my element, nature. While there, I placed my feet in the water and was able to connect to the flow and write. After I finished the poetic piece, I packed up my things and left.

A friend of mine, whose name is also Jasmine, wanted me to come and visit her. Once I arrived, she wanted to ride with her to the pet store to buy her dog, Massiah’s medicine; but, the pharmacy was closed. We left the store and got back in the car. We sat in the car and Jazmine shared her testimony and backstory with me. I was shocked; I didn’t understand why she felt so comfortable telling me her story to me. But, she was encouraging me to just get closer to God, grow stronger in my faith with him. Also, she decided to invest in my growth by helping me, concerning Emerson. She’s getting married in July on the 28th. She’s invited me to attend her wedding; I promised her I would come. The events included snowballs, helping her chose an outfit, eating, talking, etc. I really had fun. She kept saying, ” I had to kidnap you to finally get you to hang to with me.”

Tomorrow is the last day of my sabbatical. I just thank God for the revealing and unveiling of truth because I have truly been set free.

I will be sharing or doing a summary of all the truths I have learned.

Day 2 of Sabbatical: Commitment to Self

Day 2. Objective: Commitment to Self.

Today marks a milestone for me. This morning, on my way to see the doctor, I was looking at one of my motivational coach’s FB Live videos. She was talking about procrastination, fear, etc. But there was one word that my mind just took ahold of -commitment. I’m thinking, “Lord, what is it about this word that’s provoking me to think?” He revealed it. All my life I placed it upon myself to invest and commit to others and never made a commitment to myself.

It’s so easy to want to help others, to put all of our time and effort  – a commitment toward them. Yet, I never took the time to invest in me. In addition, growing up, I never had the time to really do it. I was so busy trying to be a great daughter, awesome sister, good friend, just to name a few. I never stopped to think about “me”. What do I want to do? What can I do to make me happy? What would I like to do as a profession? All of these questions did not surface until a little over a year ago.

I mentioned this in the “Commencement of the Sabbatical; then, the Comeback” entry. I am a very giving, empathetic, compassionate little human. I’ve always thought of others by placing them before me. To an extent, that’s how I was raised. Being the oldest, I was charged with taking care of the house, looking after my younger siblings, and looking after my ill father. I never questioned it; I just did as I was told. Now, I see the error of some of the choices I have made. I kept giving away “self” all the time. I’m telling you; it was like an automatic comparison to a robot.  

Most of the dilemmas I have encountered over the years to current came down to one basic truth: I did not want to deal with me. I did not want to work on me. I wanted to help everyone else with their problems. However, I couldn’t even take time for myself. And looking back, that’s probably why most of my relationships whether with friends to family to significant others did not last or ended horribly, abruptly.

I wanted to prove to people that I could do whatever they needed me to do; I wanted to rally their cause. And I abandoned my own. I have been running like a fugitive from myself for so long that God is forcing me to deal with me at this moment, right now. How can I be so willing to help others when I’m refusing to help myself? It was the fear. It got the best of me.

I complained about repetitive situations with friends and significant others that I’ve gained clarity. I was searching for happiness, completion away from my issues in other people. They became my escape, but it was also a trap. Yes, I was using people to avoid the pain on the inside of me. It was scary; it was ugly, and the darkness was always there waiting for my downfall. Ironic, I’ve been spiraling for a long time until I have finally found my footing.

If I can put that much time and effort into other people, why can’t I do that for myself? I can’t be anything for others until I learn how to invest and commit to me first. Think about it? You’ve put your all – heart and soul into people because they became an object, a safe haven from the chaos inside yourself. But what happens when you realize these people are not what you were hoping them to be for you? Or these people no longer want to be with you?

I’m learning I have to commit to self first. I know me; I will lose not just myself, but my way, my vision, and my voice. Because I will subject myself to that prison and will not know it until it’s too late. It’s easy to make a bed, but the question is can you sleep in a bed of your own making? Will it be too hard? It’s missing something, but you’re not quite sure what it is. Or will you keep experimenting with variations of others’ bed hoping to find rest?

Avoid this. Save yourself the heartache, the sleepless nights, and the agony by making a change in your life. We pray for change, but we are not doing the work. As my coach said, “God can’t make a move until you make a move. You have to initiate the change. You have to do the work.” And she’s right. There’s no other way around it. No matter how fast or far you run, your problems will still be there waiting. No amount of sex, drugs, alcohol, or whatever your choice of poison will not solve anything.

If you’re one of those individuals that are complaining about your situation, but you’re too lazy to put forth an effort to do the work. Then, you need to stop complaining and just accept your situation. No one is going to fix your problem for you. YOU HAVE TO MAKE UP YOUR OWN MIND FOR YOURSELF. And stop expecting others to do it. They are not responsible for the work you have to do within yourself.

We keep putting it off; stop it! Do it right now; start today! Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. You want a change? Work, invest and commit to yourself. You will not be happy until you do so. Everything that you think is working out because you’re sacrificing you to make others happy is only temporary. If you want something more long-term, something real, you better put in some overtime for a relationship with yourself.

A commitment is ongoing, consistent. Working on yourself should be a daily goal. Once, you have started and endure, you will be a better person for yourself and not a slave to others.

As for me, yes, I made my choice to commit to self. I matter too. I have goals and dreams. I want to get better. I want to be better. I mentioned this before in a couple of previous entries. I have to get to the next level, but I know that I can’t get there doing the same thing.

It took 30 years for me to finally learn this lesson. My plea to you is don’t let it take you this long to make a change in your life and commit to self.

I challenge you to make a commitment to yourself right now. Start building a foundation for yourself and continue to build. Only then can your foundation be rock solid. Nothing or no one can do or take anything from you unless you give them that power to do so.

I don’t know about you, but I hate the idea of someone else having power over me, having control over the things I want for myself.

Yes. Today was an “I’m proud of Jasmine” moment. I’ve never had a moment like this before. A remarkable milestone – I’ve truly awakened.