Screaming on the Inside: The Meltdown Continues


This entry may be a little lengthy. However, despite the length, whatever is on the inside, it is fighting to the surface.

In my last blog entry, I mentioned that I, along with the help of many others, was able to get the $400 nonrefundable deposit fee submitted and secured. Now, there are two things left: finding a place to stay and finding a job. Before the completion of the application, I was worried about finding a place to live and a job. Of course, many have been reassuring me that I will definitely find a job and a place. Just like then and now, I’m still not at ease.

My nervousness has been escalating from afraid to scared to being terrified. On the outside, I’m doing everything I can to maintain my composure. But on the inside, I’m spiraling askew. Last night, I had trouble sleeping. Earlier yesterday, I was exhausted. However, when it was time to go to bed, it was like my mind was fully awakened by everything gnawing away at me. Physically, I felt the effect; I sat up on the side of the bed with my head in arms, literally, attempting to shake it out. I ended up taking medication to help me sleep; and, it worked. Truthfully, deep down in the back of my mind, I know the two factors are just the components of the whole ordeal. What do I mean? I’m glad you asked.

It’s not just moving to Boston, going to school, finding a place to stay, or even finding a job. The “wow” factor is this is the BIG Change I’ve been searching for over the years. Although it feels like a “too good to be true” moment, it’s happening nonetheless. Everything has been placed in motion. I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to. Then again, do I really want to? All these years, I have always given everyone all of me. No matter who they were: family, friends, significant others, strangers, etc. I’ve always given and expected nothing in return because I felt it was the right thing to do. Now, I’m learning that I’ve poured myself into others that I can’t pour into me. I can’t save or help anyone in the condition I’m in now. I’m healing, but it’s a process that can’t be rushed. In the interim, I still have to wait and let this process run its course.

Life is in a constant state of flux. Constant changes are definite, but it’s this BIG Change that I’m referring to that has me all over the place now. This change symbolizes a new beginning, not just a chapter. Because it is placing me on the path to finding self, goals, and a career. I’ve been running and putting it at the end of the line because I was doing what everyone else wanted or expected of me. I would motivate myself with everyone’s repetitious drivel as to why I had to do it. “Because I’m supposed to; it’s my duty and responsibility; I’m the only one that can and will…” That’s how it was for a long time. In the present, I don’t have a choice anymore; now, I’m forced to take care of Jasmine. Many may think it’s selfish. It’s called self-preservation.

I’m not God or Jesus. I can’t save everyone; sometimes we, as human beings, delude ourselves into thinking we can save or change people. The hard fact to swallow is we can’t. We try to help those who won’t even help themselves. We drown by attempting to help them when we’re enabling them. People have to help themselves first. Then, after putting some work behind the action, I can do what I can. This lesson was, and is, still a difficult pill to swallow. I keep giving, selflessly. Right now, I don’t have anything to give; I poured so much of myself out. Do I regret it? No. It’s just a lesson I had to really grasp.

At the age of 30, I’m terrified. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I don’t have any control over it. I HAVE to walk this path no matter what. I want to pursue my passion, a career, not a job. A friend of mine reminded me, “A lot of people tell you to go to school and get a job, so I chose a career. Because at ‘Career Day’, you’re looking for a career.” When he said that, it resonated with me. It made so much sense.

I may not have wealth, accolades, pleasant, physical features, a mansion, or five different vehicles. Who cares? For the first time in my life, I going to pursue a relationship with myself – a committed relationship to love within intimately that it radiates! Self-fulfillment is really one of my goals! I can’t spend another 30 years waiting for others to do it; I have to start right now. No more waiting.

Yes, I’m suffering a meltdown –  the meltdown is necessary. I have to be broken down in order to start anew, to be the woman God has been calling me to be all this time. I won’t lie; I didn’t want to be that woman. I just wanted to be me. Actually, I don’t even know who I am that’s why I’m on this path to find out.

Yes, I’m screaming on the inside. We all are. I’m going to turn those screams into cheers instead. Chapter 30 was an introspection of the choices I’ve made and a question of redemption. Am I worth saving? I’m trying to save everyone, anyone else. But who’s going to save me?

Chapter 30, I don’t care about being revolutionary. I care about the Evolutionary; I have to get to the next stage. I have to keep learning and growing. I have an insatiable hunger! Evolution is a necessity! I won’t be satisfied until I have it!

My journey is just beginning. I will have to walk it, embrace it in order to see.

I will be sharing my poetic piece in the next blog, “Interim”. Hope you guys like it.

Wayne McGhee: Over 30 years fighting Diabetes

This will be another short blog entry. Basically, I started a fundraiser for my father, Wayne McGhee. My dad has been battling Diabetes (Type 1) for over 30 years. He has been in and out of the hospital frequently over the past few years. He’s undergone surgery for amputations of his toes on both feet. Last year, he fell into a diabetic coma. I didn’t think he was going to come out of it. But through prayer, God delivered him back to us. Now, he’s in a nursing home for rehabilitation. You know I’m not use to seeing my dad like this. He’s normally walking on his own, talking noise, joking around, or being a pain because he’s so stubborn. Now, he’s in a wheelchair, has a walker, or he has problem remembering. The doctor also told me that he has mini strokes. But he’s a fighter, my dad. He was telling me that he wanted to go home. I just started a job; so I’m doing the best I can. Well, my brother and sister are too.
Wayne McGhee needs clothes ( most of them were stolen or lost), a couple of appliances like a refrigerator and a new washer, etc. So this is for him. He’d probably be mad at me for doing this fundraiser. As I said, my old man is pretty stubborn and prideful. So I’m asking on his behalf.

If you can’t donate, please share and keep us especially him uplifted in prayer. We love our dad, and we want to make sure that he has everything he needs in order to make him comfortable.

The fundraiser is on Facebook. If you have further questions, please do not hesitate to contact me through my contact link.

Thanks so much in advance.

Here’s the link:

Moral Conflict: The Concept of “WORK”

For the past couple of weeks, this concept of “work” has become quite the topic. Everybody wants something whether it’s a job, a house, a relationship, lost weight, etc. But in this era, no one wants to put in the work. Everything is instant – easy to access that it doesn’t require anyone to do much of anything.

My whole life I learned the value of hard work and perseverance; NO, I’m not where I want to be, but I keep on pushing and praying. No, I’m not strong in my faith like I should. But I thank God for the power of prayer and that genuine people keep me uplifted in prayer.

But I digress…back to the concept of work. I will use an example. Like me, I want to lose weight; however, I can’t seem to motivate myself to do it or find the time. So if I don’t take the time do it, then I won’t lose the weight.

Another example, everybody wants a relationship. You do just enough to get that person. After you get that person, you get complacent and comfortable and soon stop putting in the work to keep them. Anybody can get anybody, but the hard thing is to KEEP them. A relationship is just a level below marriage. For years, I’ve heard people say marriage is hard work. What do you think a relationship, friendship, and everything else is?! Nothing in life is free or easy. If it is, SOMETHING IS WRONG!!! You got to give in order to get!! Then you have people to pray for God to give or to send them someone or something. But when you get it, you misuse and abuse it. You run from it…You don’t want to do the work.

I don’t think people actually grasp this concept anymore!! So for the last example is my favorite: school. People would rather pay others to do their work rather than put in the work themselves! Why go to school if you don’t want to take the time to do the work?!!! Why waste time?

If you won’t invest in yourself, why would anyone else want to? That’s just like going to work: if you don’t work or go to work, you won’t get paid. 0 + 0 = 0!!!! No time, no effect = 0 as the result.

So I recently signed up as a freelance writer, but I quickly learned that it was something I could not do it. I don’t want to do someone’s  schoolwork for them. I did my own work, and I definitely did not have money to pay others to do it. But now, I have the confidence in some of my abilities because I know how to do/write a paper, do the research, etc.

I do not like to enable people – and that’s what I did. It’s not helping people by doing the work for them. They will never learn it for themselves.  Then on top of that, that’s still plagiarism. If you get a job that requires you to demonstrate these skills in person, what are you going to do?

But I resigned from doing that….it conflicted with my morale. I know how to do what I do because I invested in myself along with mentors, friends, instructors, and others too. Yes, I don’t mind doing freelance for stuff like a blog, content writer, and all along those lines. But I will not do anyone’s schoolwork for them anymore!!!!

So I need to keep my word to myself – the only way for people to learn how to do something, you got to put in the work!!! If you don’t work, don’t expect results!!!!

I don’t mind showing or sharing with someone how to do things but doing it for them…that’s over.

Not only am I cheating them but myself as well.